Early September, on a Thursday, my phone rang. They had a birth mom they thought we would be a fit for and asked if we wanted to be shown to her.

What?!

We weren’t even fully approved yet, close, but not complete! We looked over her information. The situation looked amazing, incredible, perfect… almost too good to be true! Yes! We wanted to be shown. That meant I had three days to create a compelling look book for the birth mom to get to know us, see enough in us to want us to raise her baby. Three days, and it just happened to be my husband’s 45th birthday. So that meant I had three days around a birthday dinner Friday, a birthday surprise Saturday morning, dropping him and my BIL to a football watch party downtown Saturday early afternoon, then off to see my other BIL’s band play at an event, to then see my niece play a soccer game, back to pick up the husband/BIL and home. On Sunday afternoon I did respite work for a few hours. So, in reality I had Saturday night, Sunday morning, and Sunday night to get a digital look book complete and off to the agency for Monday morning. “Just throw something together.” Yeah, that is not how I work, esp when my biggest dream is on the line, but I did it. I got it done, and it was good!

The birth mom was shown the book on that Tuesday. I got the call at 4:06pm. We were matched.

The birth mom picked us!

The photo the birth mom sent a screenshot to the caseworker that made her say “these are the people I want to raise my baby” was one I wasn’t sure if I should put it. It was us, being our goofy and ridiculous selves that we are together, taken during a photo shoot on our honeymoon. That was the photo that connected her to us. I was in shock, the first thing I said to the case worker was “holy shit, need to figure out the money” all while laughing and a big shit eating grin on my face. My husband was working until 5pm, I had to be at my respite gig at 5:30. It was 4:30. The next 30 minutes was excruciating, I knew he needed to be the first one I told. I facetimed him at 5pm, “ready to be a dad in Feb?”. The call was 3 minutes. I wouldn’t see him until the next night since he would be asleep by the time I got back home, and he was leaving soon for a work trip so really didn’t have a lot of time to celebrate in person. I got right to work securing enough money to put down and figure out the plan to get the remaining funds in a short enough time to hopefully make it work.

While Chris was gone for work, getting home on I would send him lists of names I was thinking of, he would tell me he hated them, I got annoyed haha. The family and friends we told got so excited for us, coming in to help us make the financials work, getting the baby its first gift, helping me get past my worry of not figuring it out to allow myself to start to get excited. Chris left on Thursday morning, one week after the initial call, less than 36 hours after we found out we were chosen, and came home on the following Tuesday night. The Tuesday that everything changed. I got the call at 1:16pm, Chris was getting on a plane right then. I won’t go into the details, but red flags starting popping up and I had to make the call. Go forward and risk being in a mine field, or pull the plug, trusting the baby that is meant to be ours will find their way to us. I pulled the plug. Thankfully once I was able to talk to Chris, he agreed with my thought process and decision.

I was sad. I am sad.

Thankfully, I had enough of a wall up, I am not devastated. Honestly, it probably helped not being able to really sit in the excitement with Chris due to the craziness of the timing. I will say, seeing baby stuff does bring a bit of melancholy, but I know that is because of the let down that our dream would be happening SO quickly and SO soon. I just have to trust in the knowledge that it will happen for us…. I just hope sooner rather than later… I hope the birth mom is doing OK. I hope she is able to find her way. I think of her a lot and send her so much love each time I do.

Two weeks feeling all of the feels. So many feelings, and I know this won’t be the last time.